Rual

This is my fish Rual. I would have named him Raul, but the fish naming process happened over the course of a few emails, and I’m dyslexic.

Scientific research shows that watching swimming fish lowers blood pressure and reduces anxiety. High blood pressure is one of the few medical conditions I haven’t developed, yet, and since I’m into preventive care I thought it best to invest $5.99 towards my future. Enter Rual.

Rual might be the death of me. He sends my blood pressure through the roof on a regular basis. He doesn’t swim around in circles like most fish. He hardly swims at all. He’s a stationary fish, and he makes sure to pose in very unique ways—playing dead 85% of the day. Take a look:

See there. His nose is faced down in the bamboo roots. He stays motionless in that very same position for hours on end.

He likes this pose too. Again, motionless—with head pointed towards the sky, pleading for god to take him.

I also find him on his side, and upside down, and sometimes he’s contorted in some sick twisted position. It’s sad. It’s scary. It’s what I at first called unique and rebellious and now recognize as a major depressive disorder, with catatonic features.

Rual used to live in my bathroom, where I’d greeted him every morning with a big bright “Good mornin’ sunshh—shit he’s dead!” but months ago I moved him into my bedroom. I was worried that he’d try a toilet bowl leap. (He has attempted suicide before. Once I found him motionless in my sink with the tip of his head wedged under the sink stopper.) I can’t just let him go, ya know. I also don’t want to have a near heart attack every morning. So, I came up with a solution. Rual and I held a funeral. I dressed in black, took him over to the toilet bowl, said a few kind words and recycled a rose that was given to me. Our ceremony ended with the sound of a flush. Having completed the ritual I think I’m more prepared for his passing, and now he has an inkling of what awaits him if he offs himself.

1. He’s a Rebel—The Crystals

2. Mr. Blue—Catherine Feeny

3. Mr. Pitiful—Matt Coasta

4. Hamoa Beach—Gomez

5. I Summon You—Spoon

6. Time is a Lion—Joe Henry

7. Merry Happy—Kate Nash

8. La La La—The Bird and The Bee

9. Giving Up—Ingrid Michaelson

10. Lost Cause--Beck